My Heroes

For a very long time now I've had certain heroes that I look up to because they represent a lot of things that aren't present in the rest of humanity.  As a gamer this also sometimes meant that I would admire video game characters.  It makes a little sense considering characters can be everything that most individuals can't be in real life.

I'd frequently assert that my heroes were Ted Nugent, Bobby Knight and Duke Nukem; w/ Bruce Campbell as my god.  The Nuge is awesome not only because he's from Michigan, but also because he never backed down from his beliefs, which is something I can't claim I've been steadfast in.  Knight is awesome because of his discipline.  I don't think I need to explain why I idolized Nukem and Campbell.

Andrew WK and Sonic the Hedgehog are probably my most prominent heroes right now (Sonic has been a hero of mine since I was 4 years old).  Simply for the fact that I wish I could be like them (sans the species change).  All they seem to want is to have fun and let people live their lives happily.  Sonic saves the world time and time again for what?  To let all the assholes go on for another day?  I don't know if I would do that. 

For those of you who do not know me, I hate people.  I'm what's called a misanthrope.  I don't have any real problems w/ a good amount of individuals, but it's difficult for me to not hate groups of people.  And I'm not so extreme that I want to kill all humans or anything.  But I can only really say that I actually care about one person on the face of the Earth.  It's not even that I hate my family, because I don't hate them.  But I think I could cope fairly well if they died.  

I do not think I could cope if this one person died.  This person is everything to me: my greatest hero, my inspiration and my reason to live.  I have no clue what I would do if this person died.  It kills me every time I have to go away from this person.  Never have I been so invested w/ emotion like I am w/ this person.  All I could ever reasonably want is for this person to be happy, but I still get pissed when I know it's not me making her happy.  Which brings me to another point: after a lot of meditation on the matter I came to the conclusion that I hated people because they embody everything I hate in myself.  And my jealousy involving this person only serves to further my own justification that I should hate people.

I realize jealousy is a natural feeling, but if I really just wanted this person to be happy, then I should just let her be happy w/o these feelings of anger regarding the assholes she hangs around w/ who seem to make her happy.  This all comes down to selfishness.  I fucking hate seeing myself being selfish.  I just wish I could be like Andrew WK and just have fun.  But I think I may have ranted enough for today.  

I'm gonna go brood or something for the rest of the day.  Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.